The Film Doctor

If I were to write “everyone loves movies”, statistically… that’s bullshit. For every movie lover, there is a movie hater. People with opinions that trash or praise cinematic performances as if they are the late great Hitchcock themselves. Just can’t stand people who use big words and watch a movie one time, and think they know enough to make a recommendation. Well… I AM THAT MAN! And I am the cinephile that will tell you everything you truly need to know about your favorite, garbage or gorgeous, movies that will end in a recommendation framed as a price tag. Movie tickets are ridiculous in price, so I will do the work for you as you sit at home and give you a reasonable price you should pay to see movies. Now sit back, relax, and read the thoughts of a man who has recently had his heart broken by the worlds largest cinematic franchise. Thats right, for my very first blog I will be tackling the infamous (drum roll please)…

STAR WARS!

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Whether you are 12, 20, or 70 I’d say its safe to assume you have either seen or heard of Star Wars; the incredible incarnation of George Lucas’s beautiful, beautiful creative mind. Released on May 25th, (a day that in my opinion SHOULD be a holiday and should be an excuse to take the day off of work I work retail so any excuse to skip a day of work is an excuse I’ll happily utilize), 1977 Star Wars A New Hope was released. Bonded with goofy CGI battles between star destroyers and an awesome ‘bucket-of-bolts’ spaceship that sort-of looks like Pac-Man, A New Hope broke ground and built a foundation on which Lucasfilm Studios would erect (yes I said erect getcha’ head outta the gutter) a flawless and inspirational franchise that will impact billions. Now some will say, “no Film Doctor! Lord of the Rings is better!”. “But Film Doctor, what about Star Trek??”. Sorry sis, but I call bullshit. Am I saying those are bad franchises? No! Am I saying those are bad books/movies? No! Am I slightly biased… maybe. Star Wars sits on a throne that any other sci-fi franchise would sell their grandmothers kidney to just gaze at. That is, until October of 2012.

2012! Most of us remember that year fondly. Life was easy, simple. Obama got his second term, Android users were able to download Instagram, we woke up Rihanna and Bruno Mars taking over the radio, eagerly awaiting the night we were going to see the newly released Avengers movie. All was well, we survived the 2012 movie that predicted a wet ending to civilization. While the Mayan calendar may not have been right about the end of civilization, it predicted the end of something else. The saddest moment in cinema history. George Lucas retired and sold Lucasfilm to Disney. We were worried. We were terrified and memes were being made of a Darth Mickey Mouse. The stuff of nightmares. Growing up with Star Wars action figures and watching the animated Star Wars the Clone Wars every Friday night on Cartoon Network, this news was traumatizing. The nightmare came true 3 years later. But we are not here to discuss Star Wars episode 7. The Force Awakens wasn’t THAT BAD. Maybe we talk about episode 7, another time. Ill probably title it, “Star Wars, The Great Copy-and-Paste Adventure”. Idk. I’ll think of something.

WHY EPISODE 9. WHY DO YOU EXIST. also, spoilers ahead.

This will be quite the rant, so remember… one man’s opinion. A man who grew up loving Star Wars and knows the lore better than anyone. Go ahead, challenge me. Up until now, the news installments had stayed true to mimicking what had been done before. Disney didn’t want to use creativity in their first two movies. But apparently, they wanted to add in every shade and color imaginable to this movie. It seems like they used the WRONG script. Each and every scene seemed like a commercial for a movie I would have enjoyed. From the beginning to the awkward and hardly expected forbidden kiss at the end, the scenes lasted less than 2 minutes each, disorienting the audience. Honestly, this movie had the ability to give every viewer a seizure with how rapid the scene changes were. Disney took something solid and they tore it to pieces and attempted to fool the audience with nostalgia to cover up lazy writing, bad acting, continuity errors, and a terrible overarching narrative that simply could never deliver under the expectations set. They took emotions completely out of the movie. A trilogy ending with no satisfaction whatsoever – it equals a Sinatra song with no piano. A Queen song without Mercury. A Tour de France with one racer. A super bowl with no halftime show. In an unbelievable way, they deliberately unwound a beautiful chaos that defines the Star Wars Saga, and as if they drew scenes from a hat at random, put it together in a compressed version of an epic. Filled to the brim with useless scenes to exemplify the actors “talent” and made no visible effort to tie them into one another. Imagine shuffling through episodes of your favorite sitcom at complete random – can you tell what’s happening in the narrative? No? That little exercise properly prepares you for the cinematic abomination viewed.  THROW THE TIMELINE OUT THE WINDOW! Doesn’t matter here! Disney made a consistent effort in implanting unnecessary callbacks to THE GOOD MOVIES to mask their cruel indifference to the plot. The trilogy they’ve concocted is a mirrored replica of what was, and while fans were able to gloss over the blatant lack of creativity, Rise of Skywalker hits fans in the back of the head with a hammer named, “ignorance”.  Ignorance to all the great minds and bodies that went into creating a universe that embodies the eternal fight between good and evil. Blend it with lazy writing and we get a movie plated with excitement and anticipation only to unwrap our glorious Christmas present and see inside a plaid shirt two sizes too big. That is the kind of let down you’ll experience from viewing this torturous 3 hour epic that falls shorter than Kevin Hart. 

RATING…

Wow. I’m out of breath and my fingers hurt. Rise of Skywalker connected with fans as well as a positive and negative magnet. The only way to enjoy this movie would be to embody an ignorance to all things Star Wars. If you have no idea that Star Wars exists… then you may like this movie. But for the rest of us, here is the reasonable price for a movie ticket to see Star Wars the Rise of Skywalker…

$1.05

What movie should I review next? Send me an email or a DM! Subscribe for content just like this!

IG: @Isaiah_james_douglas

Email: isaiahw2814@gmail.com

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